Friday, November 16, 2007

Suddenly, I forgot how to put my thoughts into words.
Suddenly, I felt so alone..
Suddenly I felt the need to lean on somebody..
Suddenly, I realised that that somebody has to be me..


I can't believe that I cried before my Sociology tutor today. I still can't believe how vulnerable I have become.
At that point of time, I couldn't articulate what help I needed to her. At that particular moment, I was struggling to control the tears, but I knew they were going to well out of my eyes.
I don't know why I teared.
I know the YL I know is strong, never someone to break down that easily.
Yes, I know the hard work that have been put in, but probably just not enough.

I'm still really thankful to Audrey for believing in me, and hoping to help me to get at S for this module, and yes I know I will S/U it.


Today, I thought about my life. With respect to academia.
It seemed like , all my life I have struggled, with academia.

Primary School - It was amidst the intense competition in class 6A, and having a twin sister who got 270 in the PSLE. Once again, I struggled. Just to push my grades up from an A to an A*.

Sec School - As I tried to fuel my passion towards studying History, thinking that I would do well in it given my passion. But why is it that when I view it from this viewpoint, the CORRECT viewpoint has to be that of another stand? On one hand, I am convinced that my passion will bring me far.. On the other hand, reality is telling me that, I totally cannot score or do well on this! Once again, I struggled. Simply to give my very best in everything I was doing.

JC- It was in between the hectic OAC activity schedules. As I tried my best, focusing all my tutorial-doing time to Chemistry, hoping that my hardwork would pay off. However, to my utter disappointment, not only did I get a big fat F for Chemistry in Promos, I got Es for every other subject, which was a not a very fantastic affair. In Year 2, I ploughed on with 3 subjects. Yet I still struggled. Struggled so hard just to strike a balance for studying and OAC. Every other time out of OAC was spent studying.(Yep and a bit of playing =p) Still , I struggled, with Maths and Econs. In the end, I scored an A for Econs and a B for Maths. The grades din matter that much to me actually; what remains deeply etched is the feeling of struggling, and that the efforts did not seem to pay off. (Well, maybe they did, but I expected a lot more)


Maybe, if you are a constant reader of my blog, you'll understand one characteristic of me.
I realise that I tend to love sadness, tend to self-pity a lot, and wallow in depression.
In the past, it was a natural thing for me to feel this way.
However, recently and especially this year, I stopped feeling so.
I felt less sad, and this was partially due to the fact that I was either not feeling anything or too busy to feel anything.
Now, as I write this post, I am actually not very sad.
In fact, I have already tweaked my mind to make myself let go of all the bad things that have happened to me today.


Yet, I insist of recalling it. Re-enacting it. It seems like I want to revisit that scene again, to analyse why I felt so. Or simply stay there a while longer. Just to feel that overwhelming of feelings.


I don't know why. But it seems like the YL I've known all along is someone abound with emotions and feelings. In fact, I feel so barren and empty, not feeling any form or sadness, or simply any emotion, at things which I view as extremely important to me. Probably that is the reason why I want to re-visit that particular scene again.


Once again, I cannot believe how vulnerable I have become. I really cannot believe how strong little YL can be so easily-defeated at that point in time.


I still can't believe it, but Life goes on.

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