Monday, April 02, 2007
Ever felt like crying, yet your tear ducts just wont work o matter how much you try to get into the emotion?Ever felt like being another person yet your mind and body doesnt comply?
Ever considered not hurting someone but hurting him unwittingly with an excuse given for the hurt caused?
Ever felt like s*** but dunno why you felt like that?
Ever felt like loving someone yet not being able to really love that person?
Ever felt love but not knowing how to reciprocate it?
ARGH.
I really hate myself at the moment.
I call it "you xin wu li", meaning you want to do something, yet not being able to . In my subconscious mind, I know what I want and yet I dun feel anything, and my feelings overtake my freaking life now.
Feel so much like a robot, devoid of feelings.
Dunno what the hell is going on with me.
No more sign of that fun-loving girl. Everything now is just so much a chore. I need to find my feelings and emotions back! I want them back so much; I dun want to be an empty shell, a robot. Smiling for the sake of smiling, and crying for the sake of it.
I dun want to lead such a structured and planned life, but can I?
I dun want me and zz to be so planned, yet unknowingly we've planned everything. And that's what I see as the reason why we wun work out and why the feeling fades..
I really feel so guilty to him, cos really I want to love him, but I dunno how to and everything in me wun comply, and I just end up hurting him.
Looking at pictures, messages and my own feelings I recorded in my diary used to be an emotional roller coaster. Now, I just feel like flipping any non-fiction book I pick up on the library racks. Pictures just seem like any random pic we take about the trees, skies and birds. They dont mean anything to me NOW! But I know in my subconscious mind, they mean everything to me.
It has really been a long time when I really felt happy or sad. Even as I cry, I recover in 5 minutes, you see how structural this life is.
Even music which I used to cry to become just like any random song they play on the radio.
God, can you help me feel something again?
God, can you help me get the past persona I used to be?
I hate me.
I want to see a doctor. ARGH.
-feeling so pathetic embedded in between at 12:20 PM
