Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Here I am talking about parenting to Jasmine. But somehow, I know I'm not brought up the way I want to be. You know, Ive always yearned tohave a child so I can bring her or him up in my own correct way.I mean its sad. I mean I'm sad when I tell her about the perfect way of parenting, because apparently I dunno why I can think like that when I'm not brought up that way. Every time I think of my mum and my parentsrecently, or throughout this whole year, Ill feel very very sad. Itsbecause whenever I think about them, I will think about how they willperceive me and my actions. How they will judge me, what their commentsabout me will be, and what they will perceive of me. I mean its really very exhausting you know, having to go home to a place where you are judged much more, than at work and in school. Thats the reason why Ialways choose to stay out of the house. Because I cant stand thatstress, and every time our 'relationship' is well and all, and I feelthat they understand and we can trust one another, my mum or dad willjust suddenly flare up or something and they become intimidating again,and that friend and confidante I find in my parents have just suddenlyvanished into thin air.
Maybe its just me. I'm not sure whether my sis and bro think the sameway . But every time I quarrel with my parents Ill cry, especially whenI quarrel with my mum. I cry and thats when I'm really sad. Sometimes Itry to understand them, but I always get this feeling that they don'ttry to understand me. Maybe they do, or they do it in the most inconspicuous way that I don't notice it, or they try to conceal their love. Maybe its that way. Ill choose to believe this fairytale. Or am Ijust too naive to believe? I always cry, because I think its a sad thingthat all through my 18 yrs of life, especially from 13 onwards, I'venever really felt like the closest people in my life understood what I like, what I loathe, why I do certain things and all..In fact, I seek greater understanding from my friends, whom by right,should not be the people who understand me the best, but apparently some of them do.Something I once thought about is that if they cant give me solace, theycant give me understanding , then why cant they give me the chance to seek it somewhere else?I mean I'm a human being too. I have emotions, I have times when I'm really down, and I need that support. But why is it that those sad timesare usually created by you all, or when there are such times, the handthat I want to reach for all this while , are not your very hands? The hands which nurtured and brought me up? I constantly question myselfabout this fact every time. Its one of the things which make me crazy.
I just find it totally ironic that I can realize all these thingswithout going through them. Or probably its that cos I lack all these ,that I start to admire, appreciate and recognize what we children oftoday all need.
As I type this post, tears start to well up in my eyes again. I dunno.Till today , I cant say that I love them. I dunno; probably I do, I'mstarting to understand some of the things they do and their form of showing concern. But I still feel that the fundamental understanding isnot yet there. I dunno when the time will come. Probably the emotionswill flood because this is something close to my heart, or probablythese are people whom I really love, thats why Ill feel upset aboutthings. Honestly, I dunno, and I dun have any idea when Ill know.Sometimes I cant get it clear where the problem lies; is it entirelywith me, with my parents, or a generation gap, or simply jsut that thekids of the 21st century are just harder to bring up and in a totallydifferent league as those in the pre-65 generation?Haix. Now I only seek solace from my friends, and tread on thin iceevery day. The life is .. I say.. a bit scary.
p.s. thanks for the support u give me EVERY SINGLE DAY =)
-yann. embedded in between at 11:42 PM
