Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Im tired. Im dead tired.
I thank God Im tired.
Spent an afternoon at Vivo City today. It is just not worth the hype at all, because the whole place is still currently quite empty, with only 60% of the shops open. But spending an afternoon with my fellow outdoorers indoors just feels kinda weird, though we always spent lots of time roaming the shopping centres after kayaking or after any activity, esp sat ones.
But something Sam said about the last day of sch not being significantly sad for us, is that we know the bond still remains, so theres nth to be sad abt. I think it's so true.
Farewell concert and final assembly today. Nothing much I guess. Only occasional memories struck a chord in me. I wasnt particularly sad that I was leaving tj. But I know that there were times when I did mull over such emotions. Like handover day and june camp etc. Other than that, much of tj's memories didnt leave too great an impression. Not with my class, I know. Random friends maybe, more so?
And yes, today I tried to spend my last day of sch happily with my class. But probably, we cant blame things for how they turn out because we set that situation to happen in the first place. No use mulling over things.
Someone said something abt willing to pay the price for their dreams. I forgot whether it was Mr Liu, Mrs Loke or during the sportsmen appreciation ceremony.
Yes, I have a dream. We all have ours.
But are we really that dedicated and willing to paying the price just to achieve it? Or probably we said we are willing to do it, just to go with the flow?
Because I noticed, it is just so easy to say that we are willing to pay the price, but ultimately our actions might not mean so. In the end, we end up lowering the benchmark for ourselves to cross.
As a 3rd person, I call that pitiful. To the extent that it becomes a form of mockery. And Im guilty of the above offence. Call the dreams police, someone!
Dedication and focusness is all about being undistracted, working towards that single goal at the end. We come in to TJ filled with dreams and aspirations, I believe. As we leave the gates of TJ today, how many of us do actually look back, think about whether we have reached that initial goal? Or we simply just treat it as part of a roller coaster ride that we accompany our peers on?
Yesterday, and maybe a few months back when I just handed over instructorship, I thought of this issue. I say, I am disappointed. Because probably I havent lived up to my own expectations. And at certain points of time in my jc life, I emerged a better person. But after months of mugging, theres this feeling that Im back to square one, though it aint supposed to be that way. Along the way, the ride was thrilling indeed. Picked up so many skills and knew so many friends along the way. They gave the word 'fulfilling' a different definition in my dictionary.
I know why I dont feel much of the departure of tj. Probably cos I have been desensitized by the mugging, or simply the mundane drone of life. I believe there will be times after I graduate that these memories flood back again.
I guess its true that jc life gave me a glimpse of the adult world. The true world, to an extent.
Back in IJ , i remembered, IJ girls never leave it to the last to tell their loved ones and friends that they love and treasure them. I remembered masses were truly special, the sign of peace and the hugs. Something great abt the IJ culture is that we constantly remind those around them that we love them, no matter how mushy things can be.
Yea I admit, sometimes things get so mushy that i cant stand it. Lol. But I feel appreciated . Great thanks to those who gave me those beautiful IJ memories.
Somehow comaparatively, TJ just doesnt give me that feeling. Maybe it's because people are too caught up with studies, work, commitments and responsibilities that we end up forgetting to express those small acts or words of love. Maybe, I hope thats the reason. Maybe that caused the disparity of grades in IJ and in my college. Lol.
Haha. But I must say TJ pple are really warm, evident in the first 3 moths period. The warmth here enticed me to stay on. As a whole, TJ is a really warm community. At least for my cohort, the 05/06 batch , and maybe the current yr1s, and the graduated yr2s of 2005.
Haha. maybe my comparisons are warped. The male population constitutes half of the TJ community. And I have to think that guys dont generally think back abt such stuff, or get emotional, nostalgic or fussed up abt things such as farewell. They just take it, nonchalantly. Oh well. Perhaps thats the gender difference.
Someone said that the A levels are our short term goals now. That comforts me a great deal, because it means that people would not be like how they are in the longer run. People are still humane , I believe, not robotic and as 'metallic cold' as the A levels have made them to be. And I dun blame these people. We have to achieve short term goals to reach bigger and longer term ones! So yea, I want to achieve my short term goal too!
I want to come back to TJ next year, proud and happy , that I have made a statement for myself and my life in TJ, and not merely having had a meaningless roller coaster trip.
TJ peeps, thanks for the times well-spent! embedded in between at 6:40 PM
