Friday, August 25, 2006
I think I finally understand. Or i guess that I understand.In my previous posts, Ive complained about people putting on facades. Even lamenting and blaming myself for putting up facades. Yet some how, I seem to understand now.
Putting on a facade seems to make you normal in a place you dont think you can fit in. At least you are assumed to be normal, cos u are doing the things that are deemed normal. Even though that is not the real you. Isnt it sad? It's just so sad.
Likewise, I cant help but feel this deep heavy feeling just as I am typing this post. A while ago, I was still cheerfully trying my best to cheer Amanda up. At the same time, Ive really gotta thank them for accompanying me this evening. At least they cheered me up in turn. Esp Engwei I guess. Thinking abt it, it really dawns upon me that as much as I have had my conflicts and disagreements with him in oac, he'll still be the same tolerant guy. And ive told him, even though I sometimes dun agree with him, sometimes he is rigid, he is unglam, he is unkempt, he is still a guy tons loads better than the guys in my class- whats all the style and humour and looks if the attitude an dpersonality aint even there? Its just so sad can. But I believe God is fair .
What do you do when you are on your way home, nearing your home, yet dont feel like going home? What will you do? Chill out at your neighbourhood alone? Haha. My neighbourhood has become just so scary in a span of 8 months all of a sudden . -chills- Could tell that mandy was just unhappy when she alighted to go home.. she said she'll be online but ive yet to see her online.. For me, blogging well has a therapeutic effect on me.
Ive come to realise the attractiveness of blogging. When you blog, you are putting up your thoughts in a form of interactive media. Esp for my blog, my friends read them. And more often than not, they can relate to it, cos they are some of my closest friends. Thats why I limit my blog's add to few pple whom I know really well and am comfortable talking to. It beats writing in a diary, when the only people reviewing it again would be yourself. You'll be like re-dwelling your own problems, and more often than not, you get nowhere. Ya, although theres the exception of happy events. haix.
Last official full timetable sch day in school today. Iwas thinking, maybe this whole busy jc system just doesnt allow me to get sad all of a sudden in school. Yet sometimes when I do feel so, I kind of realise that theres a limited number of pple i will or can turn to . Then again, Im not complaining. A few Best friends really beats a million acquaintances. Im trying to convince myself that Im blessed. God still loves me, even when the times are bleak.
Praise to the Lord.
Sometimes Im just so sad and sorry to her, whenever she talks to me. They really treat me like a big sister. Yet, when she told me her granduncle left, I just din know how to comfort her. The feeling of failure will just overwhelm. I still love my tao nan kids very much. Yet I cant live up to their expectations of a big sister who is abt 6 yrs older. That feeling sucks. And I think I havent been there to guide them, and help them grow. =(
Seeing them learn through the whole camp will bring tears to my eyes, esp on the last few days. You know that feeling that youve made a difference to their growing process is ever-so-overwhelming. Ill do it all over again if I had the chance.
I still love being a peer support leader or orientation group leader/ facilitator or team leader.
Its abt helpin them throough the same old times when you were struggling there. Ill nv forget ShiYun, HuiLan , Joyce and my other facils of Y21. ~~~
That feeling is overwhelming~
PS: Im so happy I found a new long-lost sister in school today. Same chinese name writing for 1st 2 letters, also from table tennis , also an ex-ij girl and also an econs noob.... none other than elaine chan yan ling! woots~ I gained a new friend today! thats just exciting ~~~~~
-yann. embedded in between at 8:08 PM
