Tuesday, May 23, 2006
To you all:I dont understand why I can never tell you all my heartfelt feelings. Whenever I try to do so, my simple expression of my own feelings are judged by u all. Why do I always have to be judged? Even at home, somewhere where Im supposed to feel the most at ease. Apparently, it has become the place which I feel least at ease. It sucks. It totally does. Its sad. Very sad. But I know if I have to fight this , Ive got to have a lot of courage and determination and love. Im scared I cant pull through all these.
I realise, probably I can never take on dual roles.
For titans, I want to be both a delta titans 'team' member as well as am impartial OAC instructor as well as a good friend to those who are in the team. Yet many a time, I realise that I do bungle the 3 roles up, and people do end up blaming me. Sometimes I feel that since I am not the IC of a certain event that OAC is organising, my role is just to transmit information. Yet, pple accuse me of whatever uncertainty they have. Proabably another example would be when I need to request for equipment and the handing in of forms and particulars. I hate it when people doubt my professionalism. For eg, pls trust me to be an impartial instructor as well as a good friend. Eg. If I were supposed to collect forms and a very good friend of mine fails to hand in or is late to hand in, I would not hesitate to mete out the penalties accordingly as an OAC instructor. The ideal situation is when proabably that friend of yorus do understand. Thats of course the best situation.
Other than that, probably I already have a pre-set idea of how delta's titans trainings should go, more of according to OAC style (gosh . I feel so brain-washed by OAC) Chances are, when I dont see that kind of trainings, I get utterly disappointed. Yet I know, its my fault cos I fail to realise that different people have different ideas and perceptions over how the same thing can be done.
I have a lot of good friends in the Delta team. How I wish, I could shout at them and TEACH them the values we learn in OAC- the ideal team. Yet, I know if I do that, it will jeopardise our friendships. Its hard, I swear. PPle dunno where to draw the line, as much as I am aware of what I am doing.
Because of titans, I had so many disagreements, not only with my team mates(accentuated ones), but also good friends as well. I dunno whether its something good, cos It makes everybody see that everyone thinks differently. Different ideas, different beliefs. I guess its time I start putting down that ego and reach to the ground; I am not always right.
Tell me I am wrong and convince me to listen. embedded in between at 1:42 PM
