Tuesday, May 09, 2006
its total madness.Nearly cried on 7 occasions today. I let the tears and the emotions flow only once. The rest were suppressed. The feeling of suppressing your feelings and controlling your tears is terrible. I heard pple say that tears help you to get rid of the excess built-up sad emotions. I think its very true.
So much going through my head just now. Now, eyes closing.. feel like writing what Ive been thinking.. but too tired le la. Its particularly embarrassing when you are rather near others whom you dont want to let see your tears flowing. Many a time, I had to hide my face. Maths remedial, I had to quietly wipe away those saccharine beads of tears, and trying my best not to let mr wong and my classmates see me cry. Later on, sat at a table with YingLei. Darryl was initially there as well. I dont mind letting Yinglei know that I am sad, I want to cry. But Darryl was also there so it just didnt seem appropriate. I dunno. tried to keep things down, though I really just wanted to cry out loud, but I simply cant. Purely cos the school has no such place! I just had to pretend I was asleep and weep quietly in my arms. Thats sad la. Really wanted to cry out things at those instances. Really felt like breaking down.
In fact, I was covering myself up so much I felt worse ba. And I think things have gotten to the stage that Im slowly pitying myself. Slowly thinking of myself as a burdem. Slowly hating myself cos I just cannot catch up, and people have to compromise just to make sure I can keep up. It sucks. It totally does. You expect yourself to be able to do it, but yet you cant. That feeling is horrible, cos deep inside you know you cant but yet u, and others around yourself expect you to be able to do so.
Those instances which I actually thought, I was mostly overwhelmed with emotions. Must thank Leandra for the hug and Yinglei for the note; I really didnt expect it.
I was thinking, suicidal pple, before they commit suicide, werent they actually overwhelmed by emotions, losing all form of objectivity like me? Gosh. I always thought suicidal pple were just narrow-minded, and rather stupid to think like that. Yet today, on so many instances I caught myself thinking in that exact same way.
I told Yinglei, Im not sure, after the end of this year, whether I would be grateful that this year and all the sufferings have come to an end, or grateful that I have learnt so much from this year due to the trauma or I dunno-what. I really dunno. Sometimes I did wish - forget it! Im not learning this part of life. Im forgoing it. I guess its inevitable. Initially I thought my pri 6 year taught me so much, prepared me so much for my life, and nothing of that sort would happen again. I guess Im wrong. It only managed to sustain me for 4-5 yrs. The lesson has to be renewed, this time harsher.
My friends are there , God is there, yet ultimately I cant expect them to help me with solving the problems. What they can only do is give me their points of view, probably that could satisfy me, but only temporarily. Ultimately, I decide the route to take and the outcome.
MEt , talked to 2 teachers so far already. Tmr my CT wants to see me. I dun particularly like him so I hoep I wont give him any attitude. I hope to see Mrs Raj though, I want to find out my problems. This time voluntarily. I really am keen to do so. LAst year I heard Stacey retained voluntarily due to stress and all. In some instances, I actually thought I was going down that route. I guess when they say its really tough, it really is; its not just a fight with your peers and academia, its also the fight with ourselves. Whether we reach the destination eventually depends on those crucial fights, which are -ever-so-painful. Probably it feels painful cos we are fighting ourselves. We feel the pain.
Im not sure about what I come out of it. At this stage, Im thankful to God that I can still exercise my brain and its objectivity, think about things in a fair balanced viewpoint.At least Im not overwhelmed with uncontrolled pessimism like in suicidal cases. That I must be grateful, and fully make use of it. God left me sane at this point for a reason, I must believe that the road ahead is longer.
As much as I motivate my year1s and delta titans, I really hope I can heed my own advice as well.
The tussle with myself is very tough, tougher than if its with another person. I know myself , yet want to fight myself. The result is a battered body and an exhausted mind, but if the willpower holds through and is unaffected, thats when the entire being learns through the unrest.
GUess Im talking abit weirdly now. Tmr maths test. Need to go sleep alr. I hope I come back the next time on a more jovial tone =p
Ciaox. embedded in between at 11:06 PM
