Sunday, April 30, 2006
Haix. Tell me its not life. The last thing I want to feel if I ever suddenly leave this world, is regret and guilt. Today, I felt them both. And most of the time, They cause me to be very very sad. Actually now, Im quite happy that Im still able to analyse my despondency . I still like that objective part of myself which sometimes can bring me back to the neutral scale,and prevent me from tipping over to the sadnesss side. But then again, I think I still havent been fully exercised that objective part of me. Many a time, I still fall into the trap of emotions. Im still human after all.
Regret. In terms of not doing things which I could have done. Like protecting the people around me or under my responsibilities, or doing my best for stuff, or not fulfilling my responsibilities.
Guilt. In terms of letting people down.
My parents. At times I feel that I have let them down and made them worry so much for me. After 1 1/2 years in oac, Im fully convinced that my life aint my own alone. I am responsible to everyone around me. More or less, at least to my parents. Sometimes when I do things without thinking of my own safety, or do whatever I like or deem fit, and fail to consider their concerns, I feel extremely guilty. Cos I have to make them worry about my safety and all. Im adding to their anguish unknowingly. I think that is very irresponsible and selfish if I do that.
Thinking of that exact point, sometimes I think Gew is really selfish. Sometimes he pushes his idea so much that he doesnt consider us at all, I start to wonder, am I your teammate and all? Sometimes he just pushes for stuff and gives the excuse of overcoming challenges all the time, without considering how we feel. There are times, I really totally hate that feeling. I dun like to quarrell, but I think things have to be made known.
After almost every quarrell I have with people close to me, I will feel very sad for a few days and most probably cry. Cos they are people close to me, and I feel very sad that we cannot understand one another and talk things out properly. Today, I argued with Gew over his idea. I admit , I was scared. I was feeling uneasy. I hate the fact that he doesnt even consider our point of view all the time and insists on his. Im getting rather tired with this. I dun want to hate him , seriously. There are times, when I really feel like not fighting already, let him have his way, but most of the time I end up feeling sad and upset and regretful and all. maybe its a form of noble self-sacrifice, Im not sure. Sacrifice our feelings for him to complete his ambitions? Is it noble? Im not sure. Liesel told me, after March Expe, if Im unhappy about stuff, I should talk it out with the person. Sometimes Ive tried so hard, I just want to throw in the towel. Sometimes I know I shouldnt do that , thats why I still keep pushing for things. But when things go nowhere, sometimes I had quietly hoped, if this person aint that close to me, then everything would be ok. At least I wont feel sad, cos that person aint even close to me. but no, i dun regret their friendships, but i think that this mental torture is getting to me.
The thing about guilt is very close to me as well cos for me , I dun want my parents to worry. They let me stay in the team and go for activities, but they dun feel happy actually. The best that I can do as a child, is to let them have a peace of mind. But it has come to the point of time, that when I dont even have the peace of mind, I cannot guarantee them that peace. Thats why I really feel unfilial and guilty at times, why must they suffer all this anguish? for me? Just cos they love me?
Gew will say, parents problem, everybody has. True enough, but I will want to tell him deep in the face, no matter whatever game u make me run, do, family has to be and will be top priority.
From now till june camp, I dun think I will have a peace of mind. Actually ever since I stepped into the club and gone for my first expe. I was never that uncertain and scared in my whole life before, probably up till today, or maybe also on the mountain trips as well. Thats when I actually pondered over the importance of God in my heart, all the way from sec school, till now, when Im no longer protected in a Catholic environment. I dunno, till now, I still think I have to figure that out myself.
Things are so messy in my mind right now. But at least it was better after the tears.
Talked to yinwei, the tears and uneasiness represented my fear of the failure of the whole plan and whether I would be the one breaking down this time instead.
The further bout of uncontrolled tears was when she described to me about her injury. Dunno. I have never cried unknowingly for someone before. I just somehow can feel her pain ba. Then once again, its guilt that I probably havent been treating her as well as she has treated me. Its just total guilt and sadness, which brings about the tears.
Then when I talked to zhizhong, it was probably my own thoughts abt her pain. Cos I never expect such things as pain or whatever misfortunes to strike people so close to me. It wrenches my heart. And also its to get a balanced viewpoint on things which I might be looking at at an angle, cos when pple are emotionally unstable, things can seem bleak even if they are not.
Oh ya, zhizhong, if u are reading this, just want to say thanks for always listening to me! Cos sometimes, my worries are about people arnd me and oac, and it feels good to know that u actually understand cos u have been thru most of the stuff that Im concerned about. It certainly beats telling my close classmates or close sec sch frens what Im worrying or sad abt, cos most of the time, they wont know as they havent been thru them. Obviously, there are also some stuff that I feel uneasy telling my teammates too.yups, so thanks 4 the support ! And though I cant be 100% sure I can understand what you r worrying abt too.. but Ill try to..lols..=p
Think Im quite lucky that I have friends who give me strength just after I feel totally despondent. I dunno. I dun dare to say I dare to face the world with that support. Think Im still vulnerable.I still want to be independent and be a pillar of strength to those arnd me, instead of leaning on them most of the time. Much as I seem headstrong, I guess those who are close to me will understand that Im equally or even more fragile. Gosh, Im still human. Damn.
But I guess so much analysis and brainwork on my brain's frequency probably tells me that Im growing up and learning things? Not sure, but I know God has much more in store for me and those around me. embedded in between at 9:35 AM
