Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Gunung Yong Belar. Conquered. OAC 05/06, and hopefully 06/07. Imagine my excitement when I led the congregation up to the anti-climax summit. No one was as excited as me. Then again, this is probably not my trip , so I shouldnt be feeling this way. Maybe I should have been thrilled having seen my trainees conquering the mountain instead.


Right from the beginning, the mindset was wrong. The preparation was slip-shod, but I cant stop feeling guilty towards the club, because, I have indeed slacked with the excuse of quarells, studies and family. My greatest sense of guilt was towards the seniors , especially ChuanYang & MingWen. Especially on campfire night, I remembered them saying :" We are back because we are attached to the club." This, I think, I have failed them greatly, having seen the great amount of trust they have in all of us managing the club, especially the i/cs. I know I cant blame anyone, I really feel guilty. To the extent that I just had to hide my guilt behind that stern face and hard voice, and wishing that I could really cry it out, cos I was truly guilty. Guilty especially to my team, and mostly Liesel and Kaisheng. Liesel told me :" The more you escape from the problems, the greater they will be. " I guess, after evaluation, everything seemed crystal clear now. Guilty towards Kaisheng as well, cos I dont think I ever did my part as the i/c. And I know now, I actually have to suffer from my actions and irresponsibility in the expedition itself and the whole general well-being of the club as well. Im disappointed in myself. Very very disappointed.


I guess, after today's evaluation, it really did occur to me that they actually did matter to me a lot. And also after asking the year1s so many questions, it seems like there are things we ought to have learnt from them as well.


Thinking about the things we have discussed in evaluation and also the frank heart-to-heart talk I had with Amanda, Gew and Yinwei. It seems that, it is truly time, that I actually put dowm my ego, my pride, actually 'reach down' and really care for my teammates and find the true me I want to be. It really is time. Once again , I m so filled with guilt and more remorse for my actions. Im determined to let this guilt and remorse push me on, especially after witnessing the 3 seniors' dediacation and trust to the club. For them to be able to willingly come back really means that the club meant a lot to them. This, I must never disappoint, my teammates, my trainees, my seniors, my teachers and myself.


Why must I shirk the responsibilities? Like what Gew mentioned :" I would want to believe that I can trust my team to get the things ready." I really want my team to trust me with that. And I want to believe that I can actually not let everyone down like this major event. I really would want to do so.


Youcai mentioned that instructorship made him learn the most. I guess, I m starting to experience it. Probably in the hard way. At this point of time, I know the learning journey has taken a big change from the values we have learnt during our training period. Now is the time we actually put it to use.


I was really touched by some of their frank views, especially, Yinwei, Gew, Liesel and Kaisheng. I really promise, the tears werent be wasted. All of yours. I dont want you guys to cry in vain. I dont want myself to be crying at the end as well, cos I havent done my best. I want to let you all know that Ill really try not to let you guys down ever again. Ever. I want to be reminded of that.


I want to make sure, I never have to re-ponder the point hat I am not giving my best in everything I do. I never want to upset the people around me who actually care so much.


Thank you seniors. Thank you for the enriching trip.Im sorry Mr Lim too. I dont blame you for showing me the attitude, but I promise Ill try not to disappoint my teammates again, cos I know deep inside, the four letter word still exists amongst everyone of us, L-O-V-E. Really, truly, Thank you guys. I want to give more to you all.


Thank you for the larning experience. I have really realised the meaning of the club and about so many of my flaws. 3 months left, and I want to make a promise Ill never disappoint again.

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