Saturday, March 25, 2006

Feel like an empty soul-less shell. One week of school has taken its toll on me. Probably thats the effect of too hectic a lifestyle. The result and consequence.


This is getting bad for me I think. Im losing(or actually neglecting) my ability to think. All these because of fatigue. It seems like willpower has to take on its meaning now, its mind over body. Goal Vs fatigue. Hard and tough fight. For me, the latter always wins. Then again, they say that when u are tired u become less productive. Even if I wasnt tired, I wasnt motivated as well. THings have become too much of a routine for me; I guess Im losing myself once again.


I dunno , but sometimes I sound super negative in my thoughts. But then again, all these were attributed to the fact that I dun want to be self-satisfied. I want to point out my flaws myself and improve on them. But I guess Ive been dwelling too much into them, that I suddenly might need encouragement or self-affirmation as revitalisation. Or else, I know, one day , the whole system will just shut itself down.


Today 'gave up' the alpha mega house function to go shop for stuff and visit my grandmother. Wasted quite a lot of time today I guess. waited for 2 hours for remedial to start, of which I was sleeping in the library. Im not even motivated to work in the afternoons when my eyes are about to close. Still ask me to wait for 2 hours la. Poor Twain worse - wait for 5 hours. The worse thing is, all of us can have our remedial at an earlier time slot, if not for some people. But the worse thing is, these people dun even want to turn up for remedial. Is it our fault? Its not; so why are we suffering a plight brought about by them? Im not being selfish or what ( ok maybe I was at first) , but the more I think about it, the more I loathe the fact that the guys are always so irresponsible. Mr Koh is worse; why cant he be more flexible? a bun in class wont do any harm right.. I really cant stand waiting for CLASS for 2 hours. when I can just go home if I dun have oac, or even go and wait for oac to start by sleeping in the room or whatever, but not waiting for class to start, cos its like an additional workload or burden. I just dun like the fact that the 1205 guys who r down for remedial at that time choose to pon it when we are all accomodating to them, and Mr Koh being ever-so-rigid.


Realised Im always too tired to do things and concentrate well on it. Even when I was visitng my grandma, it seems like I didnt even ha ve the energy to hear her talk. And I know how much she misses me , so Im going to make a resolution to call her every week or fortnight. I dun want to wait for people around me to be gone before telling them how much I care and love them.


What the hell la. Come home mum trying to find fault with me again and again. Im too tired to argue with her. Sometimes Im just so so rude, she nags and nags and I cant take it anymore. Im a reactive person at heart; most of the things she says I must justify it myself. Then we will end up quarrelling again. The last thing I want to do when I reach home all tired is to quarell. I know shes really just concerned for me, but just that the way she puts her idea across; its so suffocating and hurting.


My fren just told me she cried for 2 hours. She said its so suffocating for her , cos theres like so so much to do. For me, its because theres so much thoughts coursing through my mind at one time ( like some ac current). I dunno how to react for many a time. One one hand, you yearn for peoples understanding, on the other hand, you are disappointed that they dun understand, on another hand, you are trying to convince yourself to understand as well..and so much more.. Sometimes you wonder, Why are things so complicated? Can we just give one another more space? I just feel like escaping to my grandmas place for some time for a getaway, where life under my grandparents care would be so much more carefree..away from the woes of the modern world. it sucks..it really does..


* DUn need to ponder too much into this. its just some self-reproach, an inner-voices thoughts-
YOu tell yourself u need to work. Yet u are not even motivated , then u blame yourself for all that for an instant. The next moment, you forget al that sense of guilt and blame. Then another instant, you blame yourself cos u see the remnants of your faults and the whole thing becomes a vicious cycle. You are stuck in it. You cant see the light. Actually you can see it. Just that you are not goal-oriented enough to reach for it and leave the darkness. Then you blame everyone else for it. Like wth la. ANd you do nothing to get yourself out of it. What is this man?


I just understood the word 'suffocating' . I just felt it when my mum said things which hurt. Its the feeling of having difficulty in breathing all of a sudden. A literal feeling.
I dunno. I dun feel like writing anymore.

embedded in between at 2:21 PM