Tuesday, February 28, 2006
I dunno what is wrong. I seriously dunno. I think Ive been suppressing this long desire to totally cry it out. I guess, it wasnt embarrasing, I finally cried during Maths tutorial today.Perhaps after so long, it was a form of release.
Lectures , tutorials, lunch time, yesterday night, and the whole of today, I ve been pondering it. It's like a burden in my mind. My head feels so heavy. I want to avoid the things. The conflicts. I guess.. I dunno about how things will be.
Its like during maths, I was so disheartened n disillusioned over my results and the problem of you. but I knew the tears were because of you, cos I knew my grades before already. Perhaps, I used my grades as an excuse for you, when my friends asked. After that, I saw you. I knew that when Ive ceased crying I must stop. Probably, Something good about me was that I get over emotions rather quickly. But so far, these has lasted one-and-a-half day long. To me it probably felt like the world, but to you you mightnt feel anything is wrong, or you could be feeling bitter, I dunno. Maybe to you, at this point of time, it is not that serious. But I know , you did feel angry with me before.
Why I was so bothered probably means i really care for that friendship. Probably , it looks like I dun care at all, but I wanna say that I really do, even though I might have shown you all that attitude and words of spite.
Call me a loser, a quitter. I dun feel like thinking about this, but I still am, probably cos you mean something. I guess some sort of things I cannot hide. I do care, but sometimes I dun feel like caring, cos you are not helping yourself at all.
Sometimes, I feel like Im back-stabbing you.maybe you made me feel like that even if i did not. I dun want to be that kind of person. I know, always when we work, there is so much friction. I dunno what to say. Hopefully you dun read this though.
Sometimes, 'sorry' really seems like the hardest word. i know we are all so hard-headed and all. Maybe things wont even end with a sorry.I just want things to disappear like it never appeared. But i guess, Things arent that simple. Sometimes I hope the 4 more months would come to a quick end, I really hope so, you know. after that, I want to tell you that we are still good frens! I really do . Haix.
-somehow, i feel like i only want to talk to one person today. cos i feel like only u would understand- embedded in between at 10:44 AM
