Saturday, July 16, 2005
today is dearest hailing's birthday!!!! ahh! happy bday hailing and cheers to our 5 yrs and ongoing friendship!guess my feelings have more or less subsided a bit. It aint easy. At times, I still cant seem to find my former self back. I find myself bugged down by so many things revolving around me suddenly. And I cant help thinking that actually, I brought all this upon myself.
I am going to make it a must that I complete all my tutorials before the lessons. Esp for chem, there is however no way to escape already. Besides, I know my SPA is all DEAD. I dont want to cry at the end of the year of year 2, screaming and regretting when it is all too late.
Plus, someone asked me whether my econs mark was the lowest in class a few days ago, which literally broke my heart. And it had to be that person. Haix.
Have been sick and down these few days. My occasional outbursts of my former self only lasted merely a few moments. I want to regain my former self. Its true. Sometimes I really feel miserable. I think the facade I have been putting on so far is going to collapse soon. Talking to Huiling is relieving. Sometimes I just want to cry but no tears would come out.Sometimes I just hope time would come to my rescue..and i need it soon..
Basically I think my life has become so mechanical these few days. I force myself to mug and really understand the lessons, after which i head for OAC, of which I'm merely a robot, doing chores which I need to do. You can say life 'did change for the better', at least I didnt think so much. At least the trauma is spared. At least I can still study. I dont want ot repeat the same mistakes. I dont want to be the loser people always deemed me. I want to excel.I want the old Yan Ling back. I really want it.
At least I didnt have to turn the emotional gear this week...I hope i never have to turn it again..and time would just oil it back in place...I wish...
