Friday, October 01, 2004

i cried big time this week..almost the whole week were spent in tears.. there were o course tears of unhappiness, happiness and even touched to tears.. i just cant stand my tear ducts..this week has definitely been a roller coaster ride for me.. first was the results..i sulked, cried and whined big time for those silly numbers..i just hate myself..sometimes i wonder why we're doing all these..going around begging for marks..why hadnt we all, in the first place get the grades...i know..ive tried so hard..especially for chem and phy..esp chem...i tried..i really tried my best...during my preparation, i felt like i could simply do any sum that come my way..i was confident for it..i was confident for the so-far-yet-so-near A.. then came chem prac..my whole world crashed at that instant..it was the worst possible piece of work i'd done in my life,besides chinese essay, that is...my world nearly crashed to a stop..tears were shed of course..feelings of disappointment inevitable...disappointed with myself..also partially because i always panick when i meet with crises..i totally hate the feeling of uncertainty..i hate it..and i am bent on demolishing it from my life..


i told myself..im gonna pick up the pieces after im done with the tears..god will be there to help..that's something i know...at least i need to put in more effort, that means..


2nd bout of tears was during the retreat..i was touched to tears... father simon is truly someone who totally cares for us...what he said was actually what i had wanted to hear.. learning abt picking the pieces up and putting my total trust in god... i believed and trusted him and trusted God...at least they are willing to listen..at least they can soothe my heart..


farewell mass was ok too...in fact the tears crept out when father simon asked us to reflect on the 4 yrs spent..the tears also came when ms tan gave her feelings and thoughts..but during the dedication song and video, somehow i feel that the ambience was broken..no longer there...i just couldnt let any emotion come..


3rd bout of tears when i quarelled with my mom...somehow i cant understand why my parents dont trust me... i know, judging from my results it's hard to trust me...but i just want their trust and i know i need to earn it..i've tried so hard in my studies, in fact in whatever i do, somehow most dont turn out well....till now i dont think ive gotten anything i sincerely wanted and yearned for..i want to be successful, who doesnt?? i put in the effort, but somehow so many things dont turn out as they are..i know i can do it..but when the results come, why do they have to prove otherwise..i just ask myself why..i know god is there to listen..he knows me...but why is it that those all arnd me are getting the grades but not me...and why does it have to be those arnd me..why not those whom im not as close to..why..is it a form of inspiration..or is it sth to tell me to keep pushing on and striving on..


im in a dilemma..i know i must not lose hope..life is full of hope and nothing comes to an end till the last breath...i know after the tears, after the cries, i have to pick up the pieces and really move on..i know..if i dont help myself..no one will...lets hope the next time i come again ill be able to submit a better report..god bless.

embedded in between at 3:13 PM